18 Apr Forgive Me, Darlings (Part 1)
I came to the disappointing truth that I never really loved any girl I had a crush on. Realizing this lifted the marvelous burden I carried on my head all my life. That burden came with major depression and rejection since my first crush.
In Grade Six I had my first real crush on a beautiful girl in my class. I had the boldness to ask her out, but we were only classmates, not friends. I was incredibly shy and withdrawn with the girls I was attracted to. My desire to go out with this girl was so strong, that I didn’t care about my shyness, but due to the Aspergers Syndrome I unknowingly had going, I also didn’t know that one had to be friends first. That part of the social aspect was unknown to me.
So, over the course of two years, I asked her out five times using letters that I put insider her suitcase. She declined all five times. I can only imagine how awkward she must’ve felt around me after the second declination. Still I kept asking her out. By the fifth time she’d had enough and badly confronted me. I deserved it. I should’ve stopped trying after the first time, but I didn’t know the boundaries of that situation. Sadly, not much changed up until now.
Over the course of middle school, high school, college and work, I had my share of girls I found attractive and had crushes on. Some of them were my best friends, some were close friends, some were just acquaintances, and some were co-workers. Wow, that’s a lot!
This post, however, will focus only on the girls who were close to me, like my close friends and best friends.
I had three best girl friends in my life and I fell for each one of them. Of course they only wanted to be friends with me, but I always wanted more. I enjoyed that they wanted to spend time with me, cared about me, and making me part if their life and family; but I misinterpreted and confused their friendship with romance. I thought that if she’s that nice to me, she must’ve liked me, and therefore I thought I had an opportunity to ask her out.
My first best girl friend – in high school – declined my request. She discontinued her friendship with me shortly after that. She was my first heartbreak experience. I was hurt and totally rejected not only by a girl, but my best friend.
My second best girl friend – in college – declined my request. At least she did so politely, but I was still heartbroken. Tears poured out of me like a leaking pipe. I didn’t speak to her for two weeks. Our friendship continued, although I still had a crush on her. We haven’t spoken for a long time now, but our bridge isn’t burnt.
My third best girl friend who I met at church, also declined my request – many, many times. Our friendship was interesting – filled with love, pain and lots of misunderstanding. Regardless of the roller coaster ride, she was the best friend I ever had; the one person I could genuinely be myself with, and with whom I felt the freest. She declared the same about me, but excluded the romance. Over the course of seven years, we had seven seasons of separation where we took breaks, because I fell for her every time we reconciled. The last time we separated was unfriendly. She finally said she realized she loved me and wanted to marry me one day. The joy I felt was unexplainable. Long-story-short and avoiding details, there were misunderstandings and she broke the friendship, saying it was final. She told me to stay out of her life. I tried to save what we had, but it was too late.
To this day, that was the most painful experience of my life.
Not even the pain of my childhood rejection from my parents compares to it. Nothing compares to it.
18 Months later of working through the pain, forgetting, trying to forget and hoping again, lead me to discover the awful truth about my history with women – not only my best friends, but every crush I had. To be more specific, every girl I asked out. I discovered that I never loved any one of my crushes. It was only my imagination. I was under the impression that I loved them, but now I am aware that I never fully knew or understood what love was.
I don’t know what love is now while writing this post.